This Mother's Day, I'm Sharing 10 Things I've Learnt About Grief, A Decade After My Mum Died

It’s taken me a decade to begin understanding the complexities of grief. In the 10 years since my mum died, I’ve witnessed the full spectrum of how colourful the emotion can be. But there are certain times throughout the year that can be harder to bear than others.

Spring hits me like a ton of bricks every year. Mother’s Day feels like an overwhelming emotional assault; a barrage of advertisements, promotional emails, and dedicated TV specials that lasts for weeks. For me, the period is also punctured with even more painful dates: my mum’s birthday comes just before Mother’s Day, and the anniversary of her death is a few weeks afterwards. International Women’s Day is another kick in the teeth, with endless social media declarations of love for mother figures. Spring, for all its symphonies of colour and promise of sunnier days, feels to me like a dizzying cacophony of poorly tuned instruments, all vying for the lead solo.

But, for all the trials and tribulations of the last decade, I’ve learnt a lot about grief. Anniversaries and significant dates will always be hard to navigate, but below, I’ve outlined 10 of the most important lessons that have helped me cope throughout the years.

Grief doesn’t get better with time, it changes

People tend to think grief shrinks over time; that the pain slowly fades, leaving just the memories of the person or thing lost. But, in reality, grief is a persistent emotion – it ebbs, flows and changes over time. The amount of grief we feel doesn’t necessarily lessen; we simply grow around it. Over the years, my grief has transformed in so many ways – some, more visceral and painful than ever, but in others, softer, more manageable. Understanding this has helped me understand grief’s complexity, and get less frustrated when it resurfaces.

Grief can stem from any kind of loss

Bereavement is a traumatic experience, and can feel immeasurably lonely. You can feel as though no one else can truly understand the extent of your grief. But even if your situation is unique, there are others who may be able to relate in different ways. Loss can be more than just bereavement: you can grieve a relationship, a job, or a way of life. Talking through your pain may well highlight how common grief is, and understanding the different veins of emotion can help you feel less alone.

There is no linear way to grieve

When I first lost my mum, people repeatedly told me that there are “five stages of grief”, and that I simply needed to “go through the motions”. But, the truth is that this ‘five stage’ model has been twisted over time, in an attempt to offer something tangible for those grieving to hold on to. However, as with many arbitrary coping mechanisms, a ‘one-size fits all’ approach, particularly when its meaning has been distorted, does more damage than good. Grief is complicated, and no one can or should tell you how to experience it.

"Grief is so underrated. People don't realise that grief is a gateway to living a deeper, more joyful life."

Grief is not a negative emotion

“Grief is so underrated. People don't realise that grief is a gateway to living a deeper, more joyful life,” Donna Lancaster, an intuitive coach and grief therapist, explains. “When people don’t process grief, they get stuck in the pain of their loss. We live in a society that tells us we need to be happy all the time, but there are phases of life when we need to go into the darkness.” In order to process and move forward, we need to sit with our emotions, put words to how we feel and try to understand them fully.

You do not owe anyone anything

I can’t count the number of people who have asked me for advice on how to help someone who is grieving. At times, the knowledge that your experience may help others can feel good. But it can also feel like someone has lassoed a dark cloud, and each question is a tug on the rope, bringing it closer until it hovers overhead, where it stays long after the conversation ends. It’s hard to say no when people ask for help, but your mental health is just as important as anyone else’s.

The amount of grief does not equate to the amount of love

The first time I heard someone say that ‘the amount of grief equates to the amount of love’, I felt a wave of relief. It provided an explanation for the extent of my emotions, a way of giving myself grace for feeling so bad. But when the grief faded, I had a surge of guilt – if I don’t feel grief, does that mean I didn’t love my mum enough? The answer, of course, is no, but it can be incredibly hard to think rationally when your brain is riddled with a sickening combination of grief and guilt. There is no rhyme and reason to grief, and no one should tell you otherwise.

Listen to your body

The mind has the capability to suppress emotions, but the body can continue experiencing feelings subconsciously. The ‘anniversary effect’ is when feelings of distress increase around dates associated with trauma, sometimes without our brains consciously registering it. For those grieving a mother, for example, Mother’s Day can be triggering. The body interprets reminders as signs of danger, releasing cortisol that results in physical reactions, such as hyper-awareness or a racing heart rate. Listen to your body, and give yourself extra compassion when symptoms occur. “If your grief is raw, it’s a good idea to take it very gently,” says Donna. “I’m a believer in the power of rituals. Mother’s Day can also be an opportunity to celebrate the mother you had. It can be as simple as sharing memories, or releasing a flower into the sea.”

Get therapy

As obvious as it sounds, there’s an innate human habit of refusing help. But simply allowing ourselves the space and time to process can do wonders. If you don’t feel ready to talk to an expert, there are plenty of resources around grief. Comedian Cariad Lloyd hosts The Griefcast, a powerful podcast where she interviews people about their experiences with death, including Lisa Taddeo and Romesh Ranganathan. Donna Lancaster’s book The Bridge is a nine-step method of moving from a negative past to a more authentic future, and is loved by Fearne Cotton and Thandiwe Newton.

Some people will never understand how you feel, and that’s OK

People will always shy away from uncomfortable conversations. I’ve had so many conversations where I explain my feelings and am met with sympathetic nods and hand squeezes, but blank stares and confused expressions show that some people aren’t yet capable of fully understanding. At some point, they might, but for the time being, take solace in those who do understand, and find comfort in the peace of those who have not yet experienced the same loss you have.

Listen to other people’s stories

However lonely grief may feel, losing a loved one is a shared experience. I’ve never felt more understood than when I hear others talk about similar experiences to mine. After years spent grieving alone, I discovered The Grief Gang, a podcast and Instagram community that shares quotes, videos and thoughts on grief. The Grief Network also hosts meet-ups and events in London where young people can have a drink and share stories. Getting involved or just listening to these discussions can help you feel less alone – and you might even end up helping other people, too.

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